Tuesday, January 18, 2011
The bittersweet symphony of life. The feeling you get after watching a movie that you can totally relate to. The sensation you feel when you listen to a song that takes you to a different time altogether. A time when nothing mattered. You didn’t cry over rejections, neither did you worry about money. A time when you spent hours just listening to one song. When just sitting next to your crush was the highlight of your week.
Following your dreams seemed like the most important and easiest thing to do. A year back, the thought of going abroad seemed like the best laid plan. Just browsing through colleges was enough to make me happy. And now, exactly, a year ahead, I feel like everything’s gone. I feel I have lost more than I have gained. I am usually optimistic but today I can’t help but feel this way. When a co worker today tries to set me up with a man she claims is perfect, it is hard for me to acknowledge this. I nod my head in approval as she tells me what good married woman should do. Half my heart is there, the other part is far far from there. It doesn’t want to be there, listening about tactics to deal with in laws.
I am not angry at God, how can I be. I am not frustrated either, the word is dishearten. I am indeed disheartened. There is so much that I wanted from my life yet, I feel like every day is a reminder of what I have not achieved. Each new day is a mark of another failed day. People at work sometimes look down upon me; sometimes they ask me why I am not pursuing my masters. I tell with a sad smile about my failed scholarship. They smile; others just sympathize, not knowing the exact words to comfort me.
It is so difficult to live yourself sometimes. It is equally difficult to forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made. The thought of an arranged marriage scares and disturbs me. As exciting as it is sometimes, it is equally frightening. I am finding it hard to accept another man or relationship in my life. I don’t miss my previous one, but I do think about it.
Society and family can be funny. The older you get, the desperate they are to marry you off to anyone. LITERALLY ANYONE. Not that it has started with me, thankfully, but I have seen it. A friend at work is dying to get married. She refuses to take the conventional path and rejects any arranged proposals that come her way, determined to find a man on her own. When one fails, she is quick to give another a chance. She is so convinced to find love one day, that sometimes she ignores the obvious.
There is another who thinks that love should be announced, told, retold and shouted to inform everyone. Her love messages for her newly found husband can be seen splattered all over facebook. When confronted, she takes on the defensive toll and claims there is nothing to hide. What she fails to realize is that not everyone feels happy for her happiness, which might eventually affect her happiness.
I guess, brick by brick, piece by piece, we are all trying to pick ourselves from where we started to the place where we finally belong. We are all together in this quest for love and happiness. The claim of a perfect man, house, husband and marriage are fragments of fabrication living in our heads. They take us away from what we already have or can have. It takes some of us a long time to understand this. Its only when something is taken away from that you suddenly realize it’s worth. And sometimes, someone or that something is already there, or it was all long, you just didn’t open your eyes.