Sunday, June 5, 2011
so iam trying to stay alive, alert and awake as much as possible. my mother puts up a brave front when she doesnt have to. but she does it to maintain the calm in the house. my brother avoids home or hides in the bedroom. it is too painful for him to watch. my dadi being a dementia patient herself, acts like a child, craving attention rather than giving. my mother told me she sometimes feels like time has stopped. like she doesnt know where she is. it is the same everyday. we are hoping and praying for a change, a small recovery, so far there is none.
it has been exactly two weeks since my father had his fall. first he hit his head so hard, he was in the ICU for four days. then he was transferred to a private room for the next six days where the doctors assured us that his edema was reducing. it has been a week since we got him home.
he sits in his favourite chair all day and sleeps or thinks. at times he gets fustrated and yells otherwise he just stares. family calls everyday asking rhetoric questions, sometimes we dont answer the phone. sometimes my mother has headaches that just dont go.
there are serious concerns like unpaid bills and consulting new doctors. only two weeks ago, i was planning to decorate my room, wanted to cover the bare walls, get a nice rug for the bathroom. it is much different now. family tells us how brave we are! are we really? i know i am not. i cant seem to cry. i have tried in the bathroom and in my room and it doesnt work. what works is my inability to concentrate. i just cant seem to get my work done. i spend hours in front of my screen not knowing what iam doing. i watch movie trailers that i forget about after a minute. i start a movie and close it because it sucks. i dont know what iam doing. whether iam here or not here, i dont know. it is strange this feeling of not knowing.
doctors have told us it will take months. sometimes i pray to god otherwise i dont...