Wednesday, November 17, 2010

modest beginnings

There are things that only time can teach and heal. I never thought that I would have to end a friendship of more than ten years following an engagement of three years. But I did. And it happened so smoothly with mutual consent and understanding that it still sounds astonishing when I tell my friends.
While we were fighting, arguing or rather growing in different directions, a friend at work told me to follow my instinct. Her exact words were ‘just because you grew UP with someone doesn’t mean that you have to grow OLD with them. They are and will be special but they don’t have to be a part of your life. Your life with them was till a certain time, its time your life took a different direction’. I don’t think I can ever forget her words; they gave me courage and hope.
I am a strong believer of fate and reasoning, which is why I believe whatever happens, happens for a reason. And as time is passing, I feel it’s becoming clearer. The reasons for not staying together are more obvious than ever. He wanted me to stay in touch but I refused. I want this part of my life to get over forever. I don’t want any reminder of him in my life anymore. There are books and art work that he gave me, which will be difficult and painful to throw. There’s an entire box of our childhood days in my cupboard. Cards he made for me, things I wrote in his diary, photographs we took together. I haven’t had the courage to touch those things yet, but the sooner I do the better. Some people say you should live with your past, because you can never let go. That’s probably true, but I want to free myself of at least material things, memories I will have forever. There are so many things that remind me of him that I have to shut myself for a little while to remember then forget them.
The most painful part is to tell people who were least expecting it, then to bear their shock and questions. Recently, I attended a close friend’s wedding and I had a minor breakdown inside. I was truly and deeply happy for her but the thought of what could have been made me really sad especially since she was our mutual friend and had witnessed our relationship.
Anyway, God is kind and just. When he closes one door, the other one opens. I have supportive friends who bake me brownies at two in the night and stay till dawn to hear my aching heart. My brother pinches my cheeks and orders movies with me to calm my growing restlessness. My parents in their own way have come around. My mother who is cool and tolerant tells me it’s alright. My father with his quiet and silent demeanor agrees with my decision. My work is fun and I love the kids there. Free lance work keeps popping from random sources. My sketchbook came for the international project, which will keep me busy till January.
And inshallah there will soon come a time when I’ll look back, smile and laugh at this…

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