this is the CT scan of my fathers head that shows the extent of the injury. readers please pray...
Sunday, June 5, 2011
so iam trying to stay alive, alert and awake as much as possible. my mother puts up a brave front when she doesnt have to. but she does it to maintain the calm in the house. my brother avoids home or hides in the bedroom. it is too painful for him to watch. my dadi being a dementia patient herself, acts like a child, craving attention rather than giving. my mother told me she sometimes feels like time has stopped. like she doesnt know where she is. it is the same everyday. we are hoping and praying for a change, a small recovery, so far there is none.
it has been exactly two weeks since my father had his fall. first he hit his head so hard, he was in the ICU for four days. then he was transferred to a private room for the next six days where the doctors assured us that his edema was reducing. it has been a week since we got him home.
he sits in his favourite chair all day and sleeps or thinks. at times he gets fustrated and yells otherwise he just stares. family calls everyday asking rhetoric questions, sometimes we dont answer the phone. sometimes my mother has headaches that just dont go.
there are serious concerns like unpaid bills and consulting new doctors. only two weeks ago, i was planning to decorate my room, wanted to cover the bare walls, get a nice rug for the bathroom. it is much different now. family tells us how brave we are! are we really? i know i am not. i cant seem to cry. i have tried in the bathroom and in my room and it doesnt work. what works is my inability to concentrate. i just cant seem to get my work done. i spend hours in front of my screen not knowing what iam doing. i watch movie trailers that i forget about after a minute. i start a movie and close it because it sucks. i dont know what iam doing. whether iam here or not here, i dont know. it is strange this feeling of not knowing.
doctors have told us it will take months. sometimes i pray to god otherwise i dont...
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
its a funny story
they say the thing that you cant have is the thing that you want most. is it true? the whole concept of the forbidden fruit, is it correct? is that why Adam and Eve wanted to try that apple? because they knew they couldnt.
what about things in our daily lives? why do we always want men who dont want us and never want the ones who do? why does everything on the other side seem brighter than this one? is this simply human nature or something that i strongly feel about?
this is exactly how we treat our relationships too. when a nice guy comes along and maybe promises greener pastures, we always want to take the dirtier but more fun option instead. why? why do we do that? i know i have, not once but plenty of times. and when a man comes along who is everything you want but you cant be with him because of various reasons, life just seems so unfair at that time. but is it really so unfair? are we not looking for something that we may never find after all?
when i was going to buy my Mac, i had my eyes set on a particular one that i could afford. but reaching the store, my mind obviously changed after seeing the better and unaffordable option. and knowing the fact that you cant have this, makes you desire the other even more.
why dont we just settle for what we have and not look at other things around us. do we do this because of our capitalistic society? were surrounded by options and options, from the detergent to the perfume we use. if not this biscuit than the other one. does this attitude reflect our choices in life too? are treating relationships like consumer commodities too? the question is are we treating humans as products, as replaceable things that can be selected when needed and simply discarded when not?
Sunday, April 24, 2011
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