chocolate of life

alhamdolah... life is sweet, there are things to be grateful for. a bridal shower that was a huge success. a friend more happy and contended now.
my work at school is being liked thank God! today, my first book came out. i designed the entire cover and inner pages except for the colour. and everyone really liked it along with the concept that i came up with for the classic musical night. everything went well. and now a musician has asked me to design his entire rock concert concept. from the invitation cards to the posters and the back drop. i have started working on flip and fold again. i am slow but slowly making progress...
readers do wish me luck and say a little prayer for a dear friends grandmother who passed away today!
see you soon after my trip! inshallah

WHY

yum yum

a life turned around

Can a trip change your life? Or least for a while. Well, it did change mine. I was at a stage where nothing was going well. Everything was extremely monotonous and mundane. I was certainly heading towards depression if nothing else. I am not a pessimist but life certainly wasn’t peaches and cream. I prayed for a tiny miracle and it came true. I got an escape. A tiny vacation. My head told me to accompany the kids on a trip to a remote desert of Pakistan.
I hurriedly packed my bags, borrowed a camera from a close friend, bought some snacks, charged my phone and with an adventure set in mind, I headed towards the bus. It was on a clear morning that we embarked upon a journey of seven hours. Ipods charged, bags of chips opened and with the stereo blasting in our ears, we watched the sun go down and come up again.
I had never seen a desert before. Never. I had been to the mountains several times but the desert never really interested me. Surprisingly as we approached the dry land, my eyes did not for a second leave the window, courtesy of my traveling partner who very willingly gave me the seat to witness spectacular sites throughout the trip. The sand dunes of the desert are like huge piles of dry, dusty sand that are as high as hills and extend for miles at a stretch. Little patches of life growing on yellow land are going on for hours and hours. Hungry camels nibble on leaves and shrubs. Small children run barefooted with goats and hens as companions. They stared at us as our bus crossed their path, some smiled, others mistook us as foreigners.
This trip also proved to be a reminder of old art history lessons that we dismissed as boring and unimportant. In the museum of Umarkot, I stumbled upon the original text of the famous Akbernama, a biography written under Akbar's rule. The tattered, sacred text of Persian before my eyes was more precious than anything I had ever seen before. Not just that, the museum housed currency from the mughal period along with miniature paintings. All of this was ducked inside of a large beautiful fort that gets lost somewhere in the darkness of night. From the top of the tower, the entire town can be seen, light emerging from small mud homes and tiny buildings.
The best moment of the trip was near a quiet lake with the sun going down, forming a huge splash of orange and yellow across the sky. We went to a place called Nagarparker, not far from the place where we were staying. Nagarparker can be a tourists delight. The hills there are more beautiful than ever and boast a rocky terrain. Below are huge rocks that make the view more picturesque than one can imagine. Right over there lies a quiet, undisturbed lake whose water only moves when frogs decide to jump into it. I sat there as long as I could, just watching, trying to capture as much as I could. One can actually get lost in the serenity of that place. It was maybe a small glimpse of heaven.
In the middle of that lovely scenery, sits a Jain temple in ruins. Beautifully carved into rocks, it stands straight and invites attention. As you go closer and touch the craftsmanship of mankind, it takes a while to absorb so much beauty.
It was during this time that I really understood a part of me and a part of life. As the kids traveling with us sang, danced and gossiped, I contemplated throughout. For the first time in my life, I did not notice the people around me. I did not feel lonely when I was alone. I did not feel the urge to talk to someone all the time. I was lost and so absorbed in the presence of nature that for a while nothing mattered. I had private conversations with God. I told him how beautiful he had made everything, how much thought went into it and how thankful I was for my life.
I realized on the trip how much I truly enjoy traveling. I loved that we woke up early morning and heard the cry of animals somewhere in the distance. How fresh we used to be at that time and how spectacular each day's view was.
I guess, somewhere along I finally discovered what I want from life. I was unhappy, unsettled and ungrateful. I was angry with myself for being single. I was upset at my family for pushing me towards a relationship that would have been a complete disaster and as the wheels underneath rolled everyday, so did my thoughts to a different level. I came to the decision that single hood wasn’t a curse after all but rather a blessing. Married cousins told me how lucky I was to just pack a bag and leave without any worry.
On my wall are small post it's that redefine the goals of my life. One of them was to be happy the other to buy a Mac. Alhamdolilah I have both now. They say happiness is short lived but as long as it is alive even for a short while, one should make the most of it.

BE YOU

The bittersweet symphony of life. The feeling you get after watching a movie that you can totally relate to. The sensation you feel when you listen to a song that takes you to a different time altogether. A time when nothing mattered. You didn’t cry over rejections, neither did you worry about money. A time when you spent hours just listening to one song. When just sitting next to your crush was the highlight of your week.
Following your dreams seemed like the most important and easiest thing to do. A year back, the thought of going abroad seemed like the best laid plan. Just browsing through colleges was enough to make me happy. And now, exactly, a year ahead, I feel like everything’s gone. I feel I have lost more than I have gained. I am usually optimistic but today I can’t help but feel this way. When a co worker today tries to set me up with a man she claims is perfect, it is hard for me to acknowledge this. I nod my head in approval as she tells me what good married woman should do. Half my heart is there, the other part is far far from there. It doesn’t want to be there, listening about tactics to deal with in laws.
I am not angry at God, how can I be. I am not frustrated either, the word is dishearten. I am indeed disheartened. There is so much that I wanted from my life yet, I feel like every day is a reminder of what I have not achieved. Each new day is a mark of another failed day. People at work sometimes look down upon me; sometimes they ask me why I am not pursuing my masters. I tell with a sad smile about my failed scholarship. They smile; others just sympathize, not knowing the exact words to comfort me.
It is so difficult to live yourself sometimes. It is equally difficult to forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made. The thought of an arranged marriage scares and disturbs me. As exciting as it is sometimes, it is equally frightening. I am finding it hard to accept another man or relationship in my life. I don’t miss my previous one, but I do think about it.
Society and family can be funny. The older you get, the desperate they are to marry you off to anyone. LITERALLY ANYONE. Not that it has started with me, thankfully, but I have seen it. A friend at work is dying to get married. She refuses to take the conventional path and rejects any arranged proposals that come her way, determined to find a man on her own. When one fails, she is quick to give another a chance. She is so convinced to find love one day, that sometimes she ignores the obvious.
There is another who thinks that love should be announced, told, retold and shouted to inform everyone. Her love messages for her newly found husband can be seen splattered all over facebook. When confronted, she takes on the defensive toll and claims there is nothing to hide. What she fails to realize is that not everyone feels happy for her happiness, which might eventually affect her happiness.
I guess, brick by brick, piece by piece, we are all trying to pick ourselves from where we started to the place where we finally belong. We are all together in this quest for love and happiness. The claim of a perfect man, house, husband and marriage are fragments of fabrication living in our heads. They take us away from what we already have or can have. It takes some of us a long time to understand this. Its only when something is taken away from that you suddenly realize it’s worth. And sometimes, someone or that something is already there, or it was all long, you just didn’t open your eyes.

imagine for yourself

It’s been a whole year since graduation and my job. I still remember my first days as a teacher_hesitant and nervous. I think I have come a long way since then. I met some very inspirational and interesting people who sort of changed my life. They definitely made me think in a different perspective. I met students who made me want to become a better teacher. They taught me patience, something I was in dire need of. They also taught me things outside the classroom. Things that I would go home and ponder over.
I made very good friends at school. They taught me how to think and spend my life, to which I am very grateful for. I started believing in myself after undergrad school, which didn’t turn out to be as well as I expected. The most important lesson that 2010 taught me was not to look back. I saw some major disappointments and minor achievements. My biggest failure was not getting the scholarship, something I had put my butt into. My most favourite and comforting grandmother died. I also went through something I had never thought of. But all of this came with some good moments too. We moved to a better place, alhamdolah and I got my own room. My salary increased and I got promoted. I found strength in family and friends through many things. And after all of this, something inside me kept telling me not to look back because the minute that you do, you cannot come back. And I wanted to come back to life. I reassured myself that life will not get exciting if you want it to. Accept the changes and move on. Basically SHIT HAPPENS! Lol.
And I am beginning to get my faith back. Very slowly, bit by bit, I am getting there. I believe God has greater plans than you imagine for yourself. And that’s exactly what I expect from 2011, inshallah!

so called resolutions..